By Erica Scharrón
Worshiping beings who are essentially giant children with superpowers can’t be good for anyone’s health, and just like people have their glaring flaws, so do the gods. In that vein, here is a list of the Top Seven Most Despicable Olympian Gods for your convenience. (Since this list is gods-only, I can’t throw Agamemnon on here, but oh well; also, we’ll be sticking strictly to the Olympian Gods that are most well-known for simplicity’s sake.)
Our friend Poseidon here isn’t so much despicable as he is ridiculously moody and destructive. Seriously, Poseidon needs to chill–just don’t tell him that, he would probably get mad. Do you want to know what happens when the earthquake-triggering god of the sea throws a temper tantrum that you can literally feel on the Richter Scale? Yikes.
Like Poseidon, Ares is the kind of guy who isn’t quite on the despicable level, but he’s getting there. Other than being overly-aggressive without merit and a sore loser, he’s also a massive coward. Antagonistic until the end, Ares is a classic personification of the phrase, “You can dish it out, but you can’t take it.”
Despite being the god of the Underworld, Hades isn’t really that despicable of a dude most days, but he still has a boatload of attitude problems. He fits the Chaotic Neutral archetype pretty well, as he’s not really good or evil, but is definitely a drama-starter (or a literal life-ruiner). It depends on his mood, I guess.
No matter how beautiful you are, it’s still pretty despicable to torment innocent mortal girls when people say that said girls are prettier than you. (Seriously, Psyche did nothing wrong.) At least she’s not forcing people to fall in love with men who aren’t their husbands…oh, wait. Honestly Paris, you had to have known that Helen was married; why did you agree to that?
Admittedly, if my “loving” husband messed around as much as Zeus did, I would behave pretty despicably, too. Despite constantly being cheated on, however, Hera needs to stop punishing all the poor women who Zeus sleeps with (often in disguise, mind you) and start giving her husband a piece of her mind instead.
Arbitrarily giving people the gift of prophecy even when they don’t want it? Check. Being super petty by helping otherwise useless soldiers? (I’m looking at you, Paris.) Check. Pressuring a priestess into sleeping with you and then cursing her when she doesn’t? Dude. Despicable as all get-out. Don’t even talk to me.
This guy is the worst. More than anyone else, Zeus is the absolute epitome of despicable. No one else has screwed over more people, ruined more lives, and caused more far-reaching problems than freaking Zeus.